I’ll just start by saying that the law of attraction works, whether you want it to or not. Keeping that in mind, I must say that it has been quite a journey so far with my whole self-improvement kick. All the long days and heavy tears are worth it in the long run, but sometimes it seems never-ending.
I am in New Orleans. Yeah, I know. It surprised me too, but not really at the same time. I have my own apartment with a balcony in the French Quarter. Just me and Irie. As I write about all the newness that has been bestowed upon me it makes me feel pretty crappy that I still can battle with feelings of lack and unworthiness.
Why is that?
Ok, let’s backtrack because I am getting too deep too fast.
So, a few months ago I thought I was moving to Sweden- that did not happen because it turns out I fell victim to a huge scam that the University of Stockholm was going through. I was pretty bent out of shape about it because it seemed like I was finally getting out and on with my life. But I wasn’t. It was devastating.
Shortly after that, I started cleaning up my web presence. In other words, deleting all of my accounts. I felt this unhealthy pressure to answer to the fictitious overlords that lived in the catacombs of html. So I decided to drop off the face of the earth, which, I must say, felt exhilarating. Unfortunately, it is damn near impossible to get yourself offline once your on.
They really do have a hold on us people... I digress.
It reoccurred to me that I had an interest in New Orleans after re-reading an old blog so I meditated on it for all of five minutes. I thought, “New Orleans is the most European/ French place in the United States, why don’t I see what’s up there?” And so I did. I mulled over apartment listings and job adds for what felt like an eternity, but in actuality it was maybe 1 1/2 months.
Bing, Bang, Boom,
And there it is. I’m working at a French organization full-time and paying the bills. Some days are better than others, but I am proud to have my own little space in the world surrounded by French.
“So, what’s the issue Ilyssa? What is all this gloomy stuff you talked about in the beginning?”
Well, I think I have a tendency to never be satisfied. My mother calls me a masochist and she isn’t entirely wrong. I have trouble just being and letting God handle the rest which is pretty ironic given what most of my writing seems to center around. I fall into these intense slumps which makes me feel that whatever I am doing is not enough. What I am dealing with is kinda like that, but I think I am feeling the tinge of being outside of my creativity for too long. I recognize that I need to be in/ around the theatre or entertainment in order to feel like I am closer to myself. Luckily, I am performing more and gaining momentum in the things I like to do which has helped elevate my spirit. So the “issue” is really just me being impatient.
What a surprise.
It helps to document my feelings as I feel them. Trust me, I know that all is well and that things are always working out for me. I just think that the challenge I am currently facing is letting go and letting God. The thing to remember about giving it to God is that it is an ongoing process. It is something I must consciously do EVERYDAY. I have noticed that the more I let go, the more I receive. It is so counterintuitive, but I will not give up in my pursuit. I have manifested a life so far that I never thought I could a few years ago so I must trust that there is even more magnificence awaiting my allowance nestled within my vortex.