A sticky subject that most of us would like to pretend we have never been on the unattractive side of. I’ll admit it- I definitely have. I”ll go as far as to say that I have made an ass of myself on a couple of different occasions. I’ve had my heart curious, lifted, tended to, broken then confused. It’s a ride we get on that we don’t realize we are on until it comes to a jerking end. It has to lift us from our seats to notice that we are no longer where we started out. Looking around in a daze, head dizzy, eyes cross and feeling the growing angst and disappointment that we were once again fooled. A full face of clown make up, yet no brushes or paint in hand. Yeah, I’ve been there.
Strangely, looking back on those rides I took crystalizes that they had some of the most beautiful parts of my life attached to it. Falling for someone against my will was so exhilarating and unnerving. You know when you are watching a scary movie- you go into it knowing that it is going to make you uncomfortable, but you watch. Your heart races, mind tangles and you may even develop a bit of sweat on your forehead, but instead of turning it off- you have to see how it ends, even if it will give you nightmares. There is a reason why horror films are arguably one of the most popular film genres. They make us feel alive. They make us forget the things we rather not remember and memorize things we thought couldn’t exist.
It gets me like a bullet every time. There will be people or that one person that jumps into my mind at the most random times which results in my muttering the phrase,“What if..?” Logically I know it ended for a reason and believe you me, my inner voice deserves a pseudo-psych degree with all the metaphorical couch chats we have had on the topic, but it’s hard to shake that feeling. That feeling that it didn’t really end, that there was another chapter in the story that both parties were too afraid to turn the page and see. It happens at night mostly. When I see their face. You can probably relate. For some reason, the evening hours hold the magic of the past just like the morning minutes hold the promise of the future. It’s not every night you know- I can go months and feel fine. Hell, I’ve convinced myself that my feelings at that time were purely fictional. The sad truth is, the heart will win over the head every time even if it seems like the head made the final decision.
I’ve put myself out there in the past and did not get the fairy tale ending. I’ve fallen and hit the ground before. I’ve waited for a call that never came, but something doesn’t let go. I’m not saying the person we have in our mind will come galloping back on a steed declaring their undying love and devotion someday. I’m saying that our feelings are real and they do mean something and that connection that was felt meant something. Maybe one day you will find out why it happened to you, maybe you were never supposed to know. Either way, you learned. You learned more about who you are and who you aren’t. You learned more about how people present themselves to be and how thick a padlock can be on the heart. You learned that if you have felt love at all in your past, the addiction to get it back is for life. Most of all, you learned that you can’t control the things that you try to but have more dominion over seemingly helpless situations then you could have ever imagined.
The embarrassment we hold close to our chest for fear of ever showing vulnerability. Unrequited love.
A meticulously crafted run-on sentence. When two clueless people find truth where the other failed to look.